Those Phrases shared by My Parent Which Rescued Us when I became a New Dad

"I think I was just in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of being a father.

Yet the reality soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Serious health complications around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he burnt out. That was when a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.

The direct statement "You are not in a good spot. You need assistance. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His situation is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more accustomed to addressing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to talk among men, who continue to hold onto damaging notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a display of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to take a break - going on a short trip overseas, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He understood he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he notes. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, confide in a friend, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, socialising or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, staying active and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can support your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I think my role is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."