🔗 Share this article Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again. Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost. Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know. Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.